Trail Running - Good vs. Evil (mostly evil)

I don't like to talk about the worst effing run of my extensive two year running life, but since nobody asked here I go:

Short Version - C & O Canal, December 2010

The Alabaster Runner and I were visiting his father and brother in West Virgina before Christmas and smack in the midst of intense marathon training, so we decided to have our scheduled 18 mile long run on the C & O Canal early one morning. We packed our energy bars, water, Garmin, and headed off into the bone chilling temperatures that actually froze my water bottle several miles into the run. The run was doomed from the start, the trail was icy (I didn't even know dirt could be icy, what a delightful treat!), rocks were everywhere (we both were wearing Vibram bikilas), and the Alabaster was in a foul mood because we severly underestimed how much water two people needed on an 18 mile training run. After about 10 miles of this incredibly fun run, our legs felt like lead and it was a struggle to not fight over the last remaining drops of water. (If I'm recalling events correctly, I'm pretty sure this run led to our first sincere irritation with each other as newlyweds - that says a lot).

Because of the above reasons, we turned back early in the run and cut it down to a 16 miler - although we still had to walk an additional two miles back to his dad's house in the bitter cold. I still refer to this horrific experience as "the run where I lost my faith in God" only to have my belief system restored when I discovered freshly brewed coffee back at the house.

I bring this story up now because I have my first trail run since that experience scheduled for tomorrow morning. Granted it's only a five mile run with significantly warmer temperatures, but I'm still trying not to wet myself at the thought of another trail run. Trail runs aren't always so damaging to someone's pysche right?

As peaceful at winter trail running looks, it was comparable to hell on earth.

Practical Tips to Beat Your Running Rival

My first race since being injured with PF is scheduled for May 14^th, the Lower Allen Park Adventure Run roughly 2.8 miles and littered with military style obstacles. It should make for a good comeback race considering it is not even a full 5K, and the running is interjected with pull-ups, mud crawling, and rope climbing. My concern does not rest so much in the fact that I could barely finish a mile run a few weeks ago (although I really should spend some time musing over what that might indicate); my primary goal is to snuff my older brother out of a win anyway I can.

The short version is not quite as epic as the Count of Monte Cristo (“I swear on my dead relatives - and even on the ones who are not feeling too good - I am your man forever!”) – yet it still haunts me to my core. The alabaster runner, my older brother Michael, and myself, all ran out first half marathon together last fall. It was the Amish Bird-in-Hand ½ Marathon and my brother had never run more than 8 miles before, he’s a daily smoker, and he didn’t have much experience running outside. In a logical world these facts would indicate that I would fare somewhat better. But in bizarro “screw the pooch” world, Michael managed to keep pace with us the entire time without seemingly much labored effort. Although taken for surprise, I enjoyed our family run and even envisioned a race photo of us all crossing at the same time and making a beeline for the Dominos pizza booth. For 12.5 miles we all agreed on this storybook ending UNTIL in the last half mile of the race Michael decided that our little Disney finish wouldn’t suffice and he pulled out in front and smoked me by one muthafu*** minute for the win. (It should be noted that the alabaster runner saw Michael speed away and in turn A.R. pulled ahead too and finished fifteen seconds ahead of me – so apparently all the men in my life athletically betray me).

I can handle being beaten – that happened about 10,000 times over in the Shamrock Marathon – you get oddly used to the cold air of someone passing you. But we were going to finish together as a family and Michael gloated and reviled in the win too deliciously for my taste. So when he suggested we join him on the Adventure Run, I knew this was redemption. Unfortunately, my current plantar fasciitis presents a problem that I didn’t forecast when I signed up for this race. With that in mind, I came up with some back up ammo to take Michael down – I present practical tips to beat your running rival.

1. Work on strength training – if I can’t run at my full 100%, I have to take him down on the obstacles. I will have to tap into my inner Jillian Michael's physique and shame his girly arms on the rope climbs. (Note: this only works in the typical 5K obstacle run – unless there are some crazy mud run marathons going on that I’m not privy to).
2. Pray to God that he becomes injured as well. I don’t wish him ill necessarily, but a bout of cholera wouldn’t kill him. (Second note: research if cholera kills someone).....(Third note: it does).
3. Play it off like I’m not looking for sweet revenge, give him a false sense of a “family fun run” and then pass him at the end (while simultaneously screaming “SUCKA” at the top of my lungs). Keep it classy. However, since I have been emailing Michael at least once a week for months and throwing around phrases like, “Mud is thicker than blood” and “Ready for the can of whoop a** yet?”, I think the innocent act would be moot.
4. Cheat – obviously the most heinous and deplorable option at my disposal. Not. seeing. downside.

Start slowly, then taper off....

Since this is my first blog, I'll do a quick background check on myself and give you the basics...

This is me....

This is my insanely smart pug (thank you TIME Magaine), Hershey.....

and this is what a zombie looks like running....

This is how the three are related to one another, follow the bouncing ball on this one - I love to run, I'm trying to get Hershey to run more than 1/2 mile, and my pace is slightly faster than that of a zombie. It's not as smooth as a Kevin Bacon connection, but you get the idea. Maybe.

Let me clarify by breaking down the basics about myself in order to have this blogging endeavor make sense.

1. I run a crazy fast 10 m/m, which actually gets even slower as I go over the bajillion hills in my neighborhood. I imagine to those watching me I must resemble something of a perkier zombie trolling about the streets. Basically, I need to incorporate some more speedwork into my runs. I'll pencil that right in.

2. My darling husband Travis is my running partner and because he's so - what's the phrase - alabaster white, he tends to bogart the sunscreen on hotter runs.

3. One of my goals is to run a doggie dash with my lovable pug Hershey, but she doesn't have the dedication of the Olympic althetes that I hoped she would possess. She's actually sleeping right now, clearly the ten hours she slept while I was at work didn't cut the mustard today.

4. My shoe of choice is the Vibram Bikila with shoelaces, that's right, the brand spanking new edition! Woot! Although I love minimalist shoes, I respect anyone's shoe choice - this is a safe place. Let's hug it out.

5. I recently ran my first marathon, the Yuengling Shamrock Marathon on 3/20/2011. I don't want to say it didn't go well, but I will most definitely not be purchasing the outrageously priced race photos of myself HOBBLING to the finish. (Of course there's not one friggin' photo of me running the first 21 miles of the race - that would be crazy, who would want a running photo to commemerate their first marathon?)

6. Whenever I initially type "marathon", I always stick a "g" on it and come up with "marathong". I had to edit this inital post six times to correct that mistake already. You're welcome for the little gem of knowledge.

7. I want to connect with other runners and talk about how Under Armour is ridicously expensive, how I know the weather forecast for the next ten days, and complain about how women's race shirts always fit poorly (that is bull crappity - ).

Have patience with the blog, this is something new for me - and I really don't even like the word blogging. I'd like to think I'm writing on the internet with flare. Please feel free to comment and I'll be back soon.

Outtie.