I should be at the gym instead of typing this blog.

Without much forethought, me and the Alabaster Runner have signed up for the Spartan Sprint in Palmerton, PA on September 10th, 2011. We've done quite a few mud/obstacle runs, but something utterly disturbing about their websites' race description makes me think I might want to actually train for this event.

Just for good measure I'm throwing in more tricep exercises this summer.

Practical Tips to Beat Your Running Rival

My first race since being injured with PF is scheduled for May 14^th, the Lower Allen Park Adventure Run roughly 2.8 miles and littered with military style obstacles. It should make for a good comeback race considering it is not even a full 5K, and the running is interjected with pull-ups, mud crawling, and rope climbing. My concern does not rest so much in the fact that I could barely finish a mile run a few weeks ago (although I really should spend some time musing over what that might indicate); my primary goal is to snuff my older brother out of a win anyway I can.

The short version is not quite as epic as the Count of Monte Cristo (“I swear on my dead relatives - and even on the ones who are not feeling too good - I am your man forever!”) – yet it still haunts me to my core. The alabaster runner, my older brother Michael, and myself, all ran out first half marathon together last fall. It was the Amish Bird-in-Hand ½ Marathon and my brother had never run more than 8 miles before, he’s a daily smoker, and he didn’t have much experience running outside. In a logical world these facts would indicate that I would fare somewhat better. But in bizarro “screw the pooch” world, Michael managed to keep pace with us the entire time without seemingly much labored effort. Although taken for surprise, I enjoyed our family run and even envisioned a race photo of us all crossing at the same time and making a beeline for the Dominos pizza booth. For 12.5 miles we all agreed on this storybook ending UNTIL in the last half mile of the race Michael decided that our little Disney finish wouldn’t suffice and he pulled out in front and smoked me by one muthafu*** minute for the win. (It should be noted that the alabaster runner saw Michael speed away and in turn A.R. pulled ahead too and finished fifteen seconds ahead of me – so apparently all the men in my life athletically betray me).

I can handle being beaten – that happened about 10,000 times over in the Shamrock Marathon – you get oddly used to the cold air of someone passing you. But we were going to finish together as a family and Michael gloated and reviled in the win too deliciously for my taste. So when he suggested we join him on the Adventure Run, I knew this was redemption. Unfortunately, my current plantar fasciitis presents a problem that I didn’t forecast when I signed up for this race. With that in mind, I came up with some back up ammo to take Michael down – I present practical tips to beat your running rival.

1. Work on strength training – if I can’t run at my full 100%, I have to take him down on the obstacles. I will have to tap into my inner Jillian Michael's physique and shame his girly arms on the rope climbs. (Note: this only works in the typical 5K obstacle run – unless there are some crazy mud run marathons going on that I’m not privy to).
2. Pray to God that he becomes injured as well. I don’t wish him ill necessarily, but a bout of cholera wouldn’t kill him. (Second note: research if cholera kills someone).....(Third note: it does).
3. Play it off like I’m not looking for sweet revenge, give him a false sense of a “family fun run” and then pass him at the end (while simultaneously screaming “SUCKA” at the top of my lungs). Keep it classy. However, since I have been emailing Michael at least once a week for months and throwing around phrases like, “Mud is thicker than blood” and “Ready for the can of whoop a** yet?”, I think the innocent act would be moot.
4. Cheat – obviously the most heinous and deplorable option at my disposal. Not. seeing. downside.

The ‘Ol Bucket List – Race Edition

I think every runner has a few races that they want to run before their legs fall off. Admittedly, I haven’t been running very long – yet I’ve already begun to compile my list of desired races. Without further ado, here are the chosen ones:

1. Steamtown Marathon – It’s a close marathon (3 hours) that has the small town feel with a copious amount of volunteers and spectators. I read all about the pounding down hills and the completely inappropriate uphill ending, but what I haven’t read is one bad thing about this marathon. As long as you train for hills, you will be able to handle the course. Plus, I know the informational emails from the race director are hilarious, I really nerd-ed it up last week and read all of last years emails in the marathon’s online forum. Count me in. I need to be entertained while simultaneously being reminded that three months prior I thought signing up for a 26.2 mile run would be a good idea.

2. The Krispy Kreme Challenge – Run two miles: eat a dozen donuts: run back two miles: all under an hour. Participating in this race means breaking the holy vow of veganism (amen), but I don’t think I can resist. It’s not even that I secretly covet Krispy Kreme donuts, it’s more about pushing my body to the most un-athletic limits possible and still being able to brag about my tough weekend challenge to those who naively believe this race is just being sponsored by the donut giant. I might even rig up some sort of glazed donut medal for myself – because any race where Homer Simpson has a legitimate chance of winning is a race that obviously merits a medal.

3. Big Sur – Everyone knows that the majestic scenery is the reasoning behind running this particular race – so there’s no need to really expand here. Let me clarify why this race won’t be happening anytime soon though – Big Sur is not a race for the frugal or economically challenged and I just paid for my McDonald’s coffee this morning in dimes.

4. Gold Rush Days Burro Race – This race takes place in Colorado and is part of a weekend that celebrates the old west gold rush. One of the festivities is running 12.5 miles with a burro that may, or may not, feel like running with your sorry arse. I’m all about the quirky races, and now that I’m aware of a race where I can run with a stubborn burro exists, the comical implications are boundless. Unfortunately this falls into the same financial pitfalls of traveling that Big Sur is in – so unless I can convince the alabaster runner to plan our yearly vacation around me pleading with a stinky horse-wannabe to run, while A.R. blisters in the sun, this race might boil on the back burner for awhile.

5. Zombie 5K – as long as I can find a zombie race within a 60 mile radius of Hellam, I will be more than happy to sign up. I’m pretty lenient on the “requirements” for this race – just so that I can dress up as a zombie and run aimlessly around on the course. On the other hand, I could run as a victim and test the theory whether or not I would ever trip my husband during a zombie attack and leave him for dead. Final decision: he would want me to leave him – I’m fairly certain this exact situation was addressed in the wedding vows.

As I grow as a runner and hopefully pick up the speed a little bit, I believe this list will mature as well. For right now though, I’m content with these little racing nuggets and can’t wait until I can start crossing them off.