Practical Tips to Beat Your Running Rival

My first race since being injured with PF is scheduled for May 14^th, the Lower Allen Park Adventure Run roughly 2.8 miles and littered with military style obstacles. It should make for a good comeback race considering it is not even a full 5K, and the running is interjected with pull-ups, mud crawling, and rope climbing. My concern does not rest so much in the fact that I could barely finish a mile run a few weeks ago (although I really should spend some time musing over what that might indicate); my primary goal is to snuff my older brother out of a win anyway I can.

The short version is not quite as epic as the Count of Monte Cristo (“I swear on my dead relatives - and even on the ones who are not feeling too good - I am your man forever!”) – yet it still haunts me to my core. The alabaster runner, my older brother Michael, and myself, all ran out first half marathon together last fall. It was the Amish Bird-in-Hand ½ Marathon and my brother had never run more than 8 miles before, he’s a daily smoker, and he didn’t have much experience running outside. In a logical world these facts would indicate that I would fare somewhat better. But in bizarro “screw the pooch” world, Michael managed to keep pace with us the entire time without seemingly much labored effort. Although taken for surprise, I enjoyed our family run and even envisioned a race photo of us all crossing at the same time and making a beeline for the Dominos pizza booth. For 12.5 miles we all agreed on this storybook ending UNTIL in the last half mile of the race Michael decided that our little Disney finish wouldn’t suffice and he pulled out in front and smoked me by one muthafu*** minute for the win. (It should be noted that the alabaster runner saw Michael speed away and in turn A.R. pulled ahead too and finished fifteen seconds ahead of me – so apparently all the men in my life athletically betray me).

I can handle being beaten – that happened about 10,000 times over in the Shamrock Marathon – you get oddly used to the cold air of someone passing you. But we were going to finish together as a family and Michael gloated and reviled in the win too deliciously for my taste. So when he suggested we join him on the Adventure Run, I knew this was redemption. Unfortunately, my current plantar fasciitis presents a problem that I didn’t forecast when I signed up for this race. With that in mind, I came up with some back up ammo to take Michael down – I present practical tips to beat your running rival.

1. Work on strength training – if I can’t run at my full 100%, I have to take him down on the obstacles. I will have to tap into my inner Jillian Michael's physique and shame his girly arms on the rope climbs. (Note: this only works in the typical 5K obstacle run – unless there are some crazy mud run marathons going on that I’m not privy to).
2. Pray to God that he becomes injured as well. I don’t wish him ill necessarily, but a bout of cholera wouldn’t kill him. (Second note: research if cholera kills someone).....(Third note: it does).
3. Play it off like I’m not looking for sweet revenge, give him a false sense of a “family fun run” and then pass him at the end (while simultaneously screaming “SUCKA” at the top of my lungs). Keep it classy. However, since I have been emailing Michael at least once a week for months and throwing around phrases like, “Mud is thicker than blood” and “Ready for the can of whoop a** yet?”, I think the innocent act would be moot.
4. Cheat – obviously the most heinous and deplorable option at my disposal. Not. seeing. downside.